“My dear
brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak
and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous
life that God desires.” (James 1:19-20)
Communication
in marriage is like a life giving river. When husband and wife cannot
communicate, a huge dam is built stopping the flow of water. This causes
everything around them to suffer and slowly die. Seeds that were once
planted cannot grow, and both spouses develop a strong inward thirst for their
unmet needs, eventually causing multiple cracks throughout the
relationship. Many promising marriages have fallen into ruin simply
because of a lack of communication.
Although we
speak with people every day, true communication is an entirely personal and
dynamic event that is critical for growth in relationships and
understanding. Men and women inherently communicate differently, so it
should be no surprise when communication challenges arise between couples.
Since effective communication is essential to moving ahead in life, when there
are problems relating to each other, it can prove extremely detrimental to any
relationship.
What causes communication
problems in marriage? It is because the
couples may have different backgrounds, perspectives, personalities, and
professions. Some couples may keep their
thoughts and feelings inside to avoid the confrontation, but that does not make
the relationship any healthier. Couples
need to find an effective method of communication. Couples must learn to understand each other
better, and recognize and accept each other’s point of view.
So, how do
you become a good communicator during a marriage? There are a few communication skills required.
It is estimated that when awake, we spend
approximately 70% of our time communicating, 30% of which is talking. This
means that over half of our communication is non-verbal. It’s not what you say;
it’s how you say it that can be the cause of communication problems between
most couples.
First, there
are some communication “hot buttons” you do not want to push, or they will
intensify the conflict and make things worse. Active listening is a way of communicating in
marriage that creates a climate of acceptance and understanding. It does not necessarily mean you agree with
your partner, only that you understand what your partner is saying and how he
or she is feeling about it.
The idea is
to demonstrate to your partner that you intend to hear and understand his or
her point of view. This is good for your
relationship. In addition, an apology is
a special way for demonstrating your empathy and acceptance. A person may be sincerely apologizing, and
yet, the apology is not perceived as sincere because it is spoken in the wrong
language. The five distinct languages of
apology are: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution,
genuine repentance, and requesting forgiveness.
Learning to
have effective communication in marriage is one of the most important aspects
of marriage that a couple can work on. To
some extent, effective communication is something that can be taught so you can
learn to handle confrontations of communication in marriage. You should know the basic steps to master
communication, which is something that should come from the heart. And
remember—effective communication takes practice.
If
communication was easy and simple, everyone would be doing it, and all of our
communication would glorify God and reflect His image: Scripture tells us, “Do not let any
unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building
others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
(Ephesians 4:29)
In fact,
many of us struggle to communicate well, even with those we love the most: our
siblings, our parents, our children, and our spouse.
Here are 5
principles by Rob Flood at the Family Life website that I really like, and I
try to incorporate each of these into all our communications. I believe these will help transform your
marriage and change your heart:
1) The
Principle of First Response: The
development of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates it, but
by the person who responds.
You may feel
it's okay to strike at someone verbally because, "He is picking a fight
with me." You may be correct, but that person does not have the power to
decide whether a fight actually occurs. That power rests with the person responding. As Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns
away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Jesus has a
well-worn track record with the Principle of First Response. Recall the times that
By following
the principle of first response, we are called to take a poorly spoken comment
and redirect it.
2) The
Principle of Physical Touch: It is
difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her.
A difficult
time to apply this principle is after an argument has begun. However, a perfect time is when you know
you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead
to tension. You know what those topics
are in your marriage. Maybe it's a
conversation about a specific child. Maybe
it's your in-laws. For us, it was when
we sat down to talk about our finances. Those were tough conversations.
As we
talked, I notice something. When our
conversation began to drift toward conflict, we stopped touching. I found, what I'm certain you'll find, that it
is very difficult to fight with someone you are tenderly touching. So, you have a choice, to stop fighting so you
can keep touching, or to stop touching so you can keep fighting.
This type of
touching will serve you in two ways. First, it is a deterrent from arguing. Second, when you do drift into an argument, your
physical separation is a visual and physical cue that your conversation is no
longer glorifying God. Notice it,
correct it, and get back on the right track.
3) The
Principle of Proper Timing: The
success of a conversation can be maximized if the timing of the conversation is
carefully chosen.
The book of
Proverbs tells us, "A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is
a timely word!" (15:23)
If you have
children, I’m guessing your dinner time is an active and busy one. Consequently, you probably find that it’s not
a practical time for an extended and meaningful conversation. So, if something has occurred that must be
discussed, wait until the children are asleep. To bring it up during dinner would be inviting
frustration and ineffectiveness.
There are
times when a conversation is critical to have at that very moment. In those cases, of course, the football game
goes off or you get off of Facebook, and you talk. Or, you just dropped off to sleep, and then the
lights go back on and you're up until 2 a.m. However, those should be the exceptions rather
than the rule. The majority of the time,
you should be more strategic in the timing of your conversations.
4) The
Principle of Mirroring: Understanding
can be enhanced if you measure it often throughout a conversation.
The
Scriptures tell us that, if we are to understand and become wise, we must develop
our listening ability. Proverbs 22:17
states, "Incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your
mind to my knowledge."
Have you
ever meant one thing by what you said, but the person you were talking to heard
something else? It can make for a very
frustrating conversation. If you're not
sure your spouse is understanding what you're talking about, check to see if
you hear this phrase a lot, "What do you mean by that?"
Mirroring
can help you test whether you are hearing your spouse properly. Once your spouse makes a point then repeat it
to him or her. Say something like this,
"So, what I hear you saying is …" or, "Are you saying …?" Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what
you understand was said. Then, the most
important part of mirroring comes. You must
allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you've said. As you struggle to learn this principle, you
may find yourself failing to allow you spouse the freedom to speak honestly.
The point of
mirroring is not to be right, nor to defend yourself, but to know that you are
hearing accurately. If you seek to
understand rather than to make yourself understood, then you are primed for
success with the principle of mirroring.
5. The
Principle of Prayer: Success in
communication is more likely when we invite God to be an active participant and
guide.
This
principle is not complicated, but it requires our close attention. We've become so accustomed to hearing about
prayer that its importance often passes us by. No matter what principle you might be using at
the time or what subject you might be talking about, no scenario is beyond
prayer. I have tended to overestimate my
own ability to communicate well and righteously. That was evident in our first year of
marriage.
We will
eventually and inevitably sin in our communication with each other. When it begins to drift away from God's
intended purpose for it, we have a choice, will we be puffed up with pride, or
will we have the humility to stop right where we are and ask God to help redeem
our conversation?
Early on, I
wish someone would have shared with me what the late 19th century evangelist
R.A. Torrey said on prayer:
“The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour
of battle. The reason why others succeed
is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle
came ... Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation
comes, and you will always have victory.”
One of the
greatest difficulties that couples face with this principle is awkwardness. They are not used to praying together. So, as they begin to like each other less in
the middle of nonconstructive communication, the thought of praying together is
not very appealing.
We learned
an easy fix to this, start praying together. Begin with 30 seconds of prayer as you go to
bed each night. Pray regularly as a
family prior to eating your meals. Pick
one night a week to pray for your children, your pastor, and your
marriage. It's not that we don't still
mess up—we do. Thankfully, God continues to work on me, and He'll continue to
work on you, too.
Your
relationship with your spouse may be different from ours, but this much is true,
your spouse should be the single most important person you have in your life. Like it or not, communication is the tool that
God has given us to knit our hearts and our minds together.
Success is
possible if we're willing to apply some intentional principles.
Don't miss out on the complete marriage series:
What is a Christian Marriage - Part 1
What is a Christian Marriage - Part 2
An Ephesians 5 Husband - Part 1
An Ephesians 5 Husband - Part 2
An Ephesians 5 Wife - Part 1
An Ephesians 5 Wife - Part 2
Can God change your life?
God has made it possible for you to know
Him, and experience an amazing change
in your own life.
Discover how you can find peace with
God.
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