An Ephesians 5 Wife - Part 2

More than any other time in history, women today need a clear understanding of how they should relate to their husbands.  In fact, the significant social changes brought about by the women's movement over the last few decades have led to such confusion that the very idea of "roles" is offensive and unacceptable to some.  They feel as if somehow they lose their identity and their freedom if they observe some type of "outdated standard."

It's important for us to look clearly at what the Bible says on this subject of the unique responsibilities God assigns to a wife.

1) Be a helper to your husband

While everyone is called to be a helper to others, the Bible places a special emphasis on this responsibility for wives.  Genesis tells us that God realized it wasn't good for man to be alone, and that He decided, "I will make a helper suitable for him." (Gen. 2:18) 

It is interesting to note that the Hebrew meaning of the word helper in this passage is found hereafter in the Bible to refer only to God as He helps us.  The fact that this same word is applied to a wife signifies that women have been given tremendous power for good in their husbands' lives.  God has designed wives to help their husbands become all that God intends for them to be.

2) Respect your husband 

In Ephesians 5:33, Paul says, “… the wife must respect her husband."  When you respect your husband you reverence him, notice him, regard him, honor him, prefer him, and esteem him.  It means valuing his opinion, admiring his wisdom and character, appreciating his commitment to you, and considering his needs and values.

Husbands have many needs.  The macho man who is self-contained, independent, and invulnerable is a myth.  Here is a list of what I consider to be some of the primary needs most of us men have:

1) Self-confidence in who we are as a man.

2) To be listened to

3) Companionship

4) To be needed 

Meeting these needs is what respecting your husband is about.  To bolster his confidence, try being his number one fan.  Every husband wants his wife to be on his team, to coach him when necessary, but most of all to be his cheerleader.  A husband needs a wife who is behind him, believing in him, appreciating him, and cheering him on as he goes out into the world every day. 

3) Love your husband

 Titus 2:4 calls for wives "to love their husbands." A good description of the kind of love your husband needs is "unconditional acceptance."  In other words, accept your husband just as he is—an imperfect person.

As you pray about loving your husband as God loves you, one of the things God will show you is how very easy it is for you to put yourself first.  It’s shameful when you think of your Lord’s example of washing His disciples’ feet and dying for the sins of mankind.  I’m sure my selfishness is displayed in my marriage more than I realize.  I know my wife sees it, and that is not sacrificial love.

Jesus told His disciples in John 15:12, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.”   

And then, in case there was any question about how much Jesus loved them, He clarified His statement with a definition of the kind of self-sacrificial love He had for them and expected them to have for one another when He said, “Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.” (John 15:13)  

You are to love your husbands the way Jesus Christ loved you when He laid down his life for you.  How can your husbands not be encouraged, inspired and motivated when you show, and demonstrate to them, the kind of love that sacrifices itself for the benefit of others?  Show him the kind of love that says, “Not my will, but yours.”  “Not my happiness, but yours.”  “Not my fulfillment, but yours.”

Throughout the Bible, God is seen as a protective and loving God. Do you have a protective love going on for your husband?  Chances are your husband is in some kind of arena where he can be “beat up” by co-workers, a boss, someone competing for his job, and so on.  There may be days when your husband is disrespected at his office, by his grown children, by someone in his extended family. 

Whether he’s a coach, an executive, a supervisor, a teacher, or an employee working under someone else, he has his days.  And those are the days he needs your understanding smile, and the reassurance that no matter what anyone else thinks of him, the most important woman in his world still believes he’s her hero.  That’s the kind of protective, reassuring love he needs to get back out there and face it all again the next day.

Scripture speaks of God’s loving kindness that lasts forever.  It also speaks of His unfailing love. I believe the most thorough description of love that we can find in Scripture is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Quoted at many weddings, this passage describes enduring love—love that won’t quit.  In case you’ve read through this portion of Scripture many times before, I would like to try and give you a fresh perspective on these verses using The Message. 

Ask yourself: Does this describe my love for my husband?

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end. (The MSG, 2002)

As you love your husband unconditionally, sacrificially, protectively, and with perseverance, he can’t help but notice you loving him as God does. And that is the kind of love that 1 Corinthians 13:8 says, “never fails.”

4) Submission to the leadership of your husband 

Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”

I know I covered the concept of “submission” quite thoroughly last week.  But in thinking more about it the past few days, I would like to add some additional thoughts.

These Scriptures make it clear that a wife should submit voluntarily to her husband's sensitive and loving leadership.  Therefore, as you voluntarily submit to your husband, remember that you are completing him.  You are helping him fulfill his responsibilities, and helping him to become the man, the husband, and the leader God intended him to be.

Building “oneness” in marriage works best when both partners choose to fulfill their responsibilities voluntarily, with no pressure or coercion.  To become the servant-leader God has commanded him to be, your husband needs your gracious respect and submission.  And when he loves you the way he is commanded to, you will find it easier to submit yourself to that leadership.

And in this, you are doing so with an attitude of entrusting yourself to God. In one of his letters, Peter tells us that even though Jesus suffered terrible pain and insults, He did not retaliate, "Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly." (1 Peter 2:23)   When you entrust your life to the Father, it's much easier to be the wife of an imperfect man, particularly when you may have disagreements.

Note: Some of you may live with abuse or in excessively unhealthy and destructive conditions in your marriage.  At times, it may be inappropriate or even life-threatening for you to apply unquestioningly the principles of submission.  For example, if you are being physically or verbally abused, you may need to take steps to protect yourself and your children.  You may need to say “enough is enough."  If you are in that situation, please discerningly seek out your pastor or someone wise who has been trained to help with your specific issue.  PLEASE! Do not hesitate to seek help!  Loving, forgiving, and submitting DOES NOT mean that you become a doormat or indefinitely tolerate destructive behavior.

So, how does this all fit together?

If you have ever sewn a dress, or attempted to sew one, you know how a pattern works.  (And yes, I know which end of the needle to thread)  The pattern is made of many pieces, some large and some small, none of which accurately resembles the finished product.

Every pattern has pairs of parts: two sleeves, a front and back skirt, and even the collar and facing pieces are usually in twos.  When it is properly assembled and made usable with buttons or a zipper, these pieces make a complete dress.  A marriage is very similar.  God has designed a master pattern for husbands and wives that when followed will create a whole, usable, beautiful marriage.

In the same way a dress can be made in different sizes and colors with numerous differences in detail from one pattern, so your marriage may look different from someone else’s.  As you acknowledge Christ as Lord of your lives, you must work out your marriage according to God's plan.  The key is for each wife to follow God's plan, know her part, and work to fit in with her husband's responsibilities.

If you have any questions or comments, or suggestions for a topic, I would love to hear from you in the comment section below.  See you next week, and May God bless you!

Don't miss out on the complete marriage series:
What is a Christian Marriage - Part 1  
What is a Christian Marriage - Part 2 
An Ephesians 5 Husband - Part 1 
An Ephesians 5 Husband - Part 2
An Ephesians Wife - Part 1

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