Life's Journey: An Ephesians 5 Husband

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." (Ephesians 5:25-31)

I want to assure you, men, that as I talk to you, I am talking to myself. I do not wish to give you the false sense that I have any better grip on the kind of husband that I ought to be than any of you.

I’m not saying that Alice and I don’t have a great relationship, because we do. I often wonder if it’s possible for anyone to love as much we do. Although being realistic, I have to conclude that surely, others do.

In the verses quoted above, we’re being told that we should love our wives as Christ loved the church. We’re going to talk about that in detail. But I have to begin, recognizing that neither you nor I measure up to that admonition; at least, not consistently.

We are fallen and in need of a Savior. Only the Christian can be properly aware of that, and no one understands our need better than the mature Christian. What I mean by that, is that the more we know and understand Christ by the illuminating power of the Holy Spirit, the more we come to see how utterly helpless we are to live the God-life apart from Him.

When Jesus walked this earth, one of the reasons He placed Himself in a position of total dependence on the Father, was to show us that we will never come to a place of being independence of Him.

So, the more like Jesus we become, as the purifying work of the Holy Spirit continues in us, the more dependent we will be on the Father in all things. That is the example of the Author and Perfecter of our faith, and we leave that path at our own risk.

Therefore, when it comes to our relationship with our wife, and hearing this urging to love her as Christ loved the church, we must first acknowledge, in all humility, that even to the pitiful degree that we obey that command, we only do so with the help of Jesus.

So with that foundation laid, come with me, men, and let’s go before the Throne that we may receive mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Today, is the day we will be looking at the responsibility of husbands as part of God’s design, and it can be quite nicely summed up in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church…"

Notice, it doesn't say husbands rule your wives, or husbands command your wives, or husbands subjugate your wives. No, Paul says, "husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church.”

So, what does it mean for a husband to love his wife as Christ loved the Church?

Beginning in verse 25, we find four specific ways that husbands are to love their wives as they follow the pattern of Christ's love.

First, we see that husbands are to love their wives unconditionally. The Greek word used in verse 25 to describe Christ's love is “agapao” (verb). It’s very similar to “agape” (noun), but slightly different in usage. God’s word tells husbands that “agapao” love is long-suffering and kind; it envies not; it does not boasts about itself. “agapao” love does not behave itself unseemly, is not easily provoked, and thinks no evil. “agapao” love delights in the truth. “agapao” love endures all things, believes all things, and hopes all things. It is a love empowered by the very Spirit of God for the purpose of making two people one.

Christ loves you simply because it is His nature to love, even the most unlovable. And that love is the model of how husbands are to love their wives.

It’s strange that even after growing up in a family that was taught unconditional love, I could not easily verbalize it to others, until I met Alice. She had spent over 40 years growing up under an authoritative, manipulative, and overbearing father who used scripture to control his family. And even though I knew she cared for me, she had not learned what authentic, unconditional love between two people really meant. It took some time, as we talked about our feelings for each other, but eventually she began to understand how loving one another unconditionally did not mean an uncontrolled reaction of the heart, but is a choice to love selflessly and sacrificially. It is loving another person as they are, regardless of what they do or fail to do.

I love my wife, Alice, with an unconditional love. That means I love her whether or not she acts loving toward me. It also means that I love her whether or not I feel like it. I am in a covenant relationship with her through marriage. I have promised to love her "for better or worse." And I am driven to give her love and every material necessity I can afford. The covenant I have with Alice conveys my every blessing to her.

Even in the best of marriages, sooner or later a situation will arise that can only be met by unconditional love. So God commands us that husbands are to love their wives with an unconditional love. In contrast, the world’s love is shallow, temporal, and conditional, which is no love at all. I can think of so many examples of the world’s type of synthetic “love.” Many marriages today are wrongly based upon romance, allure (which is sometimes merely lust), money, security, unwanted pregnancy, etc. This is why the divorce rate is so high in America. Such marriages are doomed from the start. The world cannot understand such depth of love. Sadly, most married couples today have a 50/50 attitude towards their relationship. But Biblical love should be 100%, even if the other spouse is giving 0%.

The second way husbands are to love their wives is found in the second part of verse 25b. Here Paul uses the phrase "…and gave himself up for her..." Jesus' sacrificial love was shown to us when he left heaven, came to earth, took on humanity, and willingly suffered the pain and agony of the cross in our place. He loved us enough to give up His rights and sacrifice His life for us.

Now, Paul’s ideas were very radical in the cultural context of his day. Demosthenes, an ancient writer, once said, “We have courtesans for the sake of pleasure; we have concubines for the sake of daily cohabitation; we have wives for the purpose of having children legitimately, and of having a faithful guardian of all our household affairs.”

To them the marriage bond was virtually meaningless. It was somewhat better among the Jews of Paul's day. But even they had a low view of women. If a man found a woman prettier than his wife, all he had to do was write her a bill of divorce, send her out, and marry the pretty one. So we can see that Paul's call for a husband to “love his wife as Christ loved the church” was a radical departure from the domestic ethics of his time.

So what does this sacrificial love require?

1) It demands DEATH—dying to self. (Luke 9:23-24)

Just as Jesus Christ set aside his rights in sacrificial love for the church, so the Christian husband must learn to set aside his rights as a display of love for his wife. Marriage is a call to die, and a man who does not die for his wife does not come close to the love to which he is called. Christian marriage vows are the inception of a lifelong practice of death, of giving over not only all you have, but all you are.

Sounds a bit grim doesn’t it? In fact, those who lovingly die for their wives are those who know the most joy, have the most fulfilling marriages, and experience the most love. It takes a strong man to die.

2) It demands SUFFERING. (1 Peter 4:16)

When Jesus gave himself up for us, He not only died, He suffered. His suffering was not only His atoning death on the cross, but it is also the suffering which comes from identification with His bride, the Church. A husband is also called to share in his wife’s sadness, her insecurities, and despairs. But in doing this you will also know a deep joy that unloving hearts cannot know.

3) It demands INTERCESSION. (1 Timothy 2:1)

On the evening Jesus gave himself up for us, John 17 says He prayed for Himself, for His twelve disciples, and for all of us who would later believe in Him. We understand from this that giving ourselves for our wives involves praying and interceding for them before our Heavenly Father. You ought to have a list of her needs which you earnestly hold up to God out of love for her.

So, loving our wives sacrificially means we are called to die for our wives, to take on her sufferings as our own, and to make intercession for her.

That's enough for today, but there is so much more to discuss. We will continue next week with part 2, and the final two ways that husbands are commanded to love their wives as they follow the pattern of Christ's love. If you feel this discussion has been useful, please pass this on to your friends who may be struggling in their marriages.

And if you have any questions or comments, I would love to hear from you in the comment section below. See you next week, and May God bless you!