Spouse Abuse – Just How Serious is it?

“So I will rescue my flock, and they will no longer be abused.” (Ezekiel 34:22) 

“The Chosen Vessel.”

The Master was searching for a vessel to use;
On the shelf there were many - which one would He choose?
Take me, cried the gold one, I'm shiny and bright,
I'm of great value and I do things just right.
My beauty and luster will outshine the rest
And for someone like You, Master, gold would be the best! ----

Then the Master looked down and saw a vessel of clay.
Empty and broken it helplessly lay.
No hope had the vessel that the Master might choose,
To cleanse and make whole, to fill and to use.

By Beulah V. Cornwall

Few things in our culture today are sadder than the deterioration of the family.  It matters no longer if you’re a Christian.  Being Christian does not insulate you from the invasion of sin into your life.

All around the world women, and sometimes even men, are violated, neglected, and abused—physically, emotionally, and sexually.  For many, the pain and impact of this abuse is so deep that it shatters every bit of their individuality.  On any given Sunday women just like this are sitting silently in churches across this country.  They don’t know a moment’s peace (See Isaiah 59:6-8) and they are worried that their only protectors have left the building.  And they have no hope for how they will overcome the fear and darkness they live with.

While most of us would agree that God has called us to be peacemakers, if we’re honest, we prefer that our peacemaking consists of having fellowship over coffee and donuts, or teaching Bible stories in Sunday school.  This is all good.  But sometimes being a peacemaker means flat-out confronting evil.  And one great big evil that needs to be confronted by the Church today is domestic violence.

Why is domestic violence such a threat to the Body of Christ?  Because it’s an enemy we have given untold power to by keeping it hidden.  We don’t talk about it with our teens.  We don’t talk about it in premarital counseling.  And we certainly don’t talk about it on Sunday mornings.  National campaigns to end domestic violence tout the phrase “Break the Silence.”  Yet the place where the silence often is maintained most strongly is in church.  Maybe we avoid the topic of domestic violence because if it’s happening within a marriage we consider it off-limits.  Maybe we shy away because we are uneducated or haven’t had any personal experience dealing with it.  Or maybe because confronting it makes us too uncomfortable and calls us to have a relational discernment and spiritual authority we’re not sure we have.  Whatever the reason, our silence is costly.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.  Seventy-five percent of all 911 calls are domestic violence related.  One in four women will personally experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.  It is an evil that pervades all ages, ethnicities and religious denominations.

God was never silent on the issue of violence, yet generations of women have given up on Him because the Church, either through its silence or its misinterpretation of scripture, has told them God does not care about the cruelty and abuse they suffer.  Somewhere along the line, these women were convinced to grimly stick it out in marriages where they were emotionally, verbally and physically abused, at the expense of letting their heart die and destroying any possibility of a relationship with a God who loves them.  Most domestic violence victims don’t consider the church a relevant place to go for help, because when they tried asking for help in the past, the response they got was weak at best.

Sure, it’s human nature to want to avoid potentially explosive situations.  But we can’t avoid the fact that Jesus never backed down from them.  He didn’t back down from uncomfortable conversations or violent people, and always offered strong protection to women being mistreated or needing refuge. (See John 8:1-11)  Think about His confrontation with the demon-possessed men in the region of the Gadarenes.  “They were so violent that no one could pass that way.” (See Matthew 8:28)

With His Father’s love and authority, Jesus stepped right into the middle of hostile situations time and time again. He stepped in to confront and He stepped in to protect.  And with His Spirit, He gives us the love and authority we need to do the same.  When we really understand God’s heart on this issue, it becomes clear how we’re supposed to respond, “For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death. He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight.” (Psalm 72:12-14)

In his mercy, God does not allow violence and oppression to continue unchecked.  He will eventually intervene to execute His justice.  Also, cruelty toward one’s wife is the same as unfaithfulness in God’s eyes.  It is a misinterpretation of God’s heart to tell any woman she has to stay in an abusive marriage because she’s been told that adultery is the only biblical grounds for divorce.  When God spoke about divorce in the Bible, he was usually speaking to men with a heart to protect women.

In Malachi 2:11-17 the men of Israel are whining to God about why He wasn’t responding to their dramatic prayers and offerings.  God responds, “I’ll tell you why!” and proceeds to chew them out for making a great show of religion while at the same time overwhelming their wives with cruelty.  The bottom line is, God is Love and Love always protects. (See 1 Corinthians 13:6-7)  As God’s ambassadors here on this earth, we are also called to protect the weak.  A church leader’s number one priority in a domestic violence situation should be taking steps to protect the women and children from danger. They should equip themselves and their church to help victims acquire legal protections if necessary, and help them navigate the financial and logistical challenges of escaping an abusive situation.

Second, they should stand up to evil by confronting abusers and expect perpetrators to demonstrate real repentance by confessing, taking ownership and engaging in sustained recovery and accountability programs over time before ever advising the woman to reconcile the marriage relationship.  They must understand that sometimes God’s redemption of an abusive marriage means reconciling the relationship and sometimes it doesn’t, just as sometimes His deliverance for a childless couple means giving them a biological baby and sometimes it means comforting them through infertility or adoption.

Here are some other things Pastors and the church can do, and not do, to protect and minister to women who are victims of domestic violence:

1) Take her seriously when she comes to you for help.  Usually by the time she is naming it or saying she is done, she was done years ago.

2) Ask questions, listen attentively and believe her (unless the Holy Spirit clearly directs you otherwise).

3) DON’T tell her to be more submissive or more loving as a solution to the abuse in her relationship.

4) DON’T say “God hates divorce.”  She will shut down and not trust you.  She may even leave your church and never return.

5) DON’T send her to file a protective order by herself.  This is an overwhelming process to face alone.

6) DO help her understand that setting boundaries and allowing her spouse to experience consequences is a biblical model of addressing oppression and abuse.

7) DO follow up to make sure she and her kids are safe and doing okay.

8) DO have a list of crisis phone numbers, local shelters and an action plan to help her in any transition.

9) DO have a plan in place with church families or shelters who are willing to provide temporary housing for women and kids who may not be in immediate physical danger, but who have to leave an abusive environment.

10) DO be prepared with grocery or gas cards to cover her immediate needs if she has no money.

11) DO equip several key leaders who can come alongside these women and provide prayer and support during crisis situations.

12) DO offer her hope and purpose...she needs to know God’s got a good plan for her. (Jeremiah 29:11)

13) DO give her ongoing practical help...financial, housing, childcare assistance, and support as a single parent.

14) DO offer her spiritual reassurance; declare that the violence done against her was wrong and that seeking protection, even from her own husband, is biblically warranted. (Colossians 3:19; Psalm 11:5)

Leaving an abusive relationship is usually a frightening and overwhelming process for a woman.  She needs to know that someone will come alongside her, that she will be loved and protected, and that God will not abandon her, but will stay close and provide for her and restore her as she continues to trust in Him.

We as the Church can make sure she knows this by bringing the evil of domestic violence out into the light, confronting it openly and taking decisive action against it.  When we do this, we will strip away the enemy’s power to continue oppressing.  We must recognize that as the Body of Christ we are uniquely and POWERFULLY positioned to be the Strong Protector who will end the tyranny of domestic violence, in individual lives and across our nation.

Yes, it is a dark and risky place to go, but who better to go there than those who have been given ALL power and ALL authority to confront, protect and rescue in Jesus’ name!

Let me conclude by saying that this is one of those “can of worms” topics that typically people are afraid to open.  I realize this.  I’m not trying to stir up controversy, nor am I trying to create a pro-divorce stance out of this subject.  I suspect that I am against divorce more than most of the people who are reading this post.  But it seems unkind and unreasonable for a genuinely abused spouse to have no way of being free from this sinful (and criminal) activity.

I don’t have a dog in this hunt–my heart just breaks for them.  While I have what I believe is a sound theology of suffering, I don’t think that trying to end your pain is wrong when you do it biblically.

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