Is Forgiving and Forgetting Scriptural?

“He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” (Proverbs 17:9)

Has anyone ever offended you?  Has your spouse been unfaithful?  Have your children disappointed you?  Has someone cheated you in business?  How deeply have you been hurt, my friend?  Have you become bitter or unforgiving in your attitude? 

How we respond to the difficult experiences of life directly affects our spiritual well-being. 

As many lives have been spoiled by bitterness and a lack of forgiveness as by almost anything in the world.  People go through physical and emotional breakdowns because they refuse to forgive others. The longer we carry a grudge, the heavier it becomes.  We cannot afford to harbor bitterness in our soul.  Forgiveness, as a particular expression of love, is simple in principle but difficult when we are the ones who need to do the forgiving.  None of us go through life without being betrayed at some level.  As a result, we all need to learn about forgiveness for our relationships to prosper.

But what does forgiveness look like?  Specifically, what about the famous notion of forgive and forget?  Is that biblical?  Well, it’s not found in the Bible, but is it implied?  Doesn’t the letter to the Hebrews say that God will remember our sins no more? (See Hebrews 8:12)  There are numerous verses commanding us to “forgive men when they sin against you,” (See Matthew 6:14, 15)  A Christian who is not willing to forgive others will find his fellowship with God hindered and can reap bitterness. (See Hebrews 12:14, 15)

The fact is that the notion of forgive and forget has been misused to the point that it has actually hindered relationships and reconciliation.  Now if by forgive and forget one means, “I choose to forgive the offender for the sake of Christ and move on with my life,” then this is a wise and godly course of action.  As much as possible, we should forget what is behind and strive toward what is ahead. (See Colossians 3:13)  We should forgive each other “…just as in Christ God forgave.” (Ephesians 4:32)  We must not allow a root of bitterness to spring up in our hearts. (See Hebrews 12:15)

Of course, it is impossible to truly forget sins that have been committed against us. We cannot selectively delete events from our memory.  The Bible states that God does not remember our wickedness. (See Hebrews 8:12)  But God is still all-knowing.  God remembers that we have “sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)  But, having been forgiven, we are declared righteous, or made right with God.  Heaven is ours, as if our sin had never occurred.  If we belong to Him through faith in Christ, God does not condemn us for our sins. (See Romans 8:1)  And in that sense God “forgives and forgets.”

However, if by forgive and forget one means, “I will act as if the sin had never occurred and live as if I don’t remember it,” then we can run into trouble.  For example, a rape victim can choose to forgive the rapist, but that does not mean she should act as if that sin had never happened.  To spend time alone with the rapist, especially if he is unrepentant, is not what Scripture teaches.  Forgiveness involves not holding a sin against a person any longer, but forgiveness is different from trust.  It is wise to take precautions, and sometimes the dynamics of a relationship will have to change.  In Proverbs 22:3 we are told that, “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.”  And Jesus taught His followers to, “…be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16)

But try telling that to the woman in Sudan who has just been raped and forced to watch her son be killed in front of her.  Tell that to the wife who has just found out about her husband’s betrayal, again, and who doesn’t know whether or not she can go on living with him.  To forgive and forget is to deny the reality of the wrongdoing.  It is actually giving evil a power it does not have.

Miroslav Volf explains clearly why forgiveness is not about forgetting in the sense described above, “Forgiveness names the wrongdoing to let go of it.  The thrust of forgiveness is the letting go of it. That’s why you need to name the wrongdoing.” To name the wrongdoing we need to remember it.

In Luke 23:34 we see Jesus voicing probably the most powerful words of forgiveness ever spoken. The fact that He speaks these words in the moment of His greatest and most unbearable agony shows the power of what true forgiveness really is.  He doesn’t say these words after His resurrection when He is about to ascend back to the glory of heaven.  He does so when His pain is at its greatest.  And forgiveness has no qualifiers; it is unconditional.

For Jesus, forgiveness is all about the restoration of relationship.  And He calls us to follow in His footsteps.  The reconciling of relationships through forgiveness must contain an element of remembering.  Otherwise it is not true forgiveness; it is denial which does not allow victory over evil.

Desmond Tutu, in his book, No Future Without Forgiveness, says, “Forgiving is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering—remembering and not using your right to hit back. It’s a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don’t want to repeat what happened.”

Forgiveness, and the remembrance of wrongs committed, must be central if we are to avoid the mistakes of history.  This is true whether it be in our homes, our churches, or in the halls of political power.  The only form of forgiving and forgetting that the Bible endorses is when it is not an impediment to the beauty of restored relationship.  

Throughout Scripture, God leads by example in forgiving His disobedient people. God’s passionate desire is to have a relationship with us, and His constant action, as described by Isaiah, is that, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” (Isaiah 1:18)

Forgive and be forgiven.  This is the secret of spiritual health. Keep short accounts with God and men.  Don’t bury bitterness and guilt within the closet of your soul.

Allow the Holy Spirit to shine His divine spotlight in your heart.  Let Him clean out every closet in your soul.  Then claim Gods wonderful promise that, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

May you experience His cleansing and healing today!

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